Friday, August 28, 2009

What You Should Be Watching: Skins

If you're not already watching "Skins" then you are truly missing out on one of the best shows on television right now.  The import from Britain, which can be seen on BBC America,  focuses on the lives of a group of teenagers as they attend the fictional Roundview College (the British use the term "college" for high school ) in the city of Bristol.  

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

America's 25 Douchiest Colleges

With college football season around the corner, GQ has a pretty funny feature ranking America's 25 Douchiest Colleges.  It must have been pretty hard to narrow it down to just 25.  Some of the highlights include Morehouse, Notre Dame, and USC, but the best part is the explanation for Duke not being number one.  

I think they may have made some mistakes by not including the whole Ivy League, and failing to include one of the biggest douches: the M.I.T douche.   An engineering or computer science student that talks down to you because you didn't major in either of those things.  Then he'll try to keep you out of his frat parties because it's his only opportunity to get with normal college girls.  

I would like to see the formula breakdown for the rankings because it should have been: 
  • Ratio of students from New Jersey who constantly talk about how much better their city is than anywhere, but are actually referring to New York City which isn't their city because they live in shitty Jersey.
  • Ratio of students with popped collars who constantly say "bro" or "bra." 
  • Schools that have shitty Greek systems but with frats that still think they're cool. (I'm looking at you Boston University and George Washington)

Friday, August 21, 2009

What Happened to Alex Mack?

What happened to actress Larisa Oleynik aka Alex Mack from TV show "The Secret World of Alex Mack?" If you're from a certain age group, you already know why this is so important. To tons of adolescent boys, she was the dream girl. There were definitely way too many junior high conversations concerning Oleynik that involved the cracking voices of adolescent boys.

Hell even I'll admit that at one point I believed that I'd date her. Thankfully by high school I realized that this wasn't going to happen and moved on instead of becoming some crazy stalker Hey I know what you're thinking, but this is strictly a blog subject. I don't have a bizarre shrine to her like this girl I lived next to in college did to Angelina Jolie. I went in her room once, and every inch of her walls and ceiling were covered in pictures of Jolie. Needless to say, I was so creeped out that I never went in there again.

When "The Secret World of Alex Mack" ended in 1998, she seemed poised for success. Oleynik had a couple of guest spots on "Boy Meets World" as Shawn Hunter's girlfriend, and then in 1999 appeared in the movie "10 Things I Hate About You," which is probably her most known role besides playing Alex Mack. Especially since it seems to be on television every other day, and somehow I can't help watching it almost every time.

It was pretty strange that she kind of dropped off the map following that movie because it was a launching pad for just about everybody in it including Julia Styles, Heath Ledger and even Joseph Gordon Levitt. Who is to say that Oleynik couldn't have saved the last dance instead of Styles? Although Ray, her best friend on "The Secret World of Alex Mack" was black so maybe she already had her dance saved. The last recognizable role she had after that was a 21-episode stint on "3rd Rock From the Sun" as the girlfriend of the Tommy character who was played Levitt.

Maybe the reason for her disappearance can be attributed to "Alicia Silverstoning" herself or otherwise known as ruining a promising career with terrible career choices. There must have been better options available than a stint on "3rd Rock From the Sun." It was in the midst of the teen movie craze, and she could have done crappy movies like "Bring it On" and "Crazy/Beautiful." Instead those movies were done Kirsten Dunst who seemed like had the potential to be hot, but instead became at best a notorious two-facer that rarely looks attractive unless she's in some really good, photoshopped light. Come on, if Dunst could get that popular then Oleynik would have been ten times better her.

I mean Brittney Murphy was even considered an "it' actress at one time. Really, Brittney Murphy? She's responsible for one of the most awkward sex scenes (it's so mature you must sign into You Tube to view it) in movie history with Eminem in "8 Mile." I don't know if I've ever felt more uncomfortable in a theater, and it didn't help that the guy in front of me felt the need to say, "yeah, that's what I'm talking about" during it.

The more likely explanation could be Oleynik's decision to take a break from acting to be a normal teenager and go to college. Usually celebrities don't realize how much it sucks to be a normal teenager. The whole point of being one is to try to be as cool as you can and to get people to like you. Why would you ever give that up? Because once you do, it's hard to get back. Oleynik has probably discovered this because since 2003 she's only appeared in a couple of little-known indie movies and had a few guest spots on TV shows , which isn't anything near the success she once had.

For all we know, one of us could have randomly walked past Oleynik at a mall, movie theater, or coffee shop last week without even noticing her. Something that would have seem impossible in the mid to late 90s. Is it too late for her to make a career comeback? I don't know, but if Molly Ringwald can get a steady job on TV, then anything possible.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Favre's Back Again

Brett Favre decided to unretire for what seems like the 50th time. Here's a list of things that seem comparable to Favre or remind me of him:
1. Herpes - every time you think he's gone, he comes back.

2. Zombies - At this point, it wouldn't be all that surprising if a 100 years from now a zombie version of Brett Favre rose up out of the ground because he got the desire to come back again.

3. "The Simpsons" - Like Favre the show was iconic through the 90s, but in its later years has suffered a drop off .

4. T-1000 Terminator - No matter how many times you think you're gotten away from him, he reappears ready for action. Kind of like the constant Favre media coverage or his promises of being 99 percent sure he's done with football.

5. Kimberly from Melrose Place - That woman would not die, and like Favre she brings tons of drama to the party . She was suppose to be dead at least two times. Every time you thought she was dead, she came back for more. Sounds kind of familiar doesn't it.

6. Madonna - The female version of Favre. Well past her prime physically, but wants us to believe she still has it.

7. Yo-yo - Constantly goes back and forth, does a few neat tricks, is a little beat up and not nearly as good as it was when you were a kid

8. Old Yeller - I'm not saying that Favre has rabies, but I'm pretty sure Green Bay fans think he's gone crazy and believe their once lovable player needs to be put down.

9. Madden Video Game - Favre was almost unstoppable in the game because Madden loved him so much. I'm not sure if he understands that unlike the video game he won't automatically be rated a 99 just for coming back. Also, I remember one of my friends using Favre in Madden and getting so mad that he couldn't get Favre to the line quick enough for a last play that he flipped his bed in anger.

10. Dial up Modem - Like Favre it was popular in the 90s and was once considered cutting edge. Now they're both old, slow, and still used in the Midwest.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

SportsCenter LA is too LA

You're probably wondering what a picture of Ashton Kutcher has to do with "SportsCenter." He signifies what's wrong with "SportsCenter LA." The show gets too caught up in its LA location. Do I really need or want to hear a SportsCenter anchor and Ashton Kutcher awkwardly talk sports so he can promote some shitty new movie that has nothing to do with sports? I was under the impression that I didn't, but that was before "SportsCenter" suddenly became "Entertainment Tonight." Maybe Kutcher used the butterfly effect to create a reality where "SportsCenter" sucked and he could be on it. Being in LA is not some excuse for the show to parade out as many celebrities as possible at the expense of actual sports coverage. If the ESPYs have taught us anything, it's that ESPN's combination of celebrities and sports culminates in two hours of unwatchable television each year. It's awfulness will only be surpassed by the eventually broadcast premiere of "Julie and Julia" in two years.

Almost as bad is the whoring out of the show into some type of music video with featured music set to sports highlights. When I see NFL highlights, I don't want it associated with some stupid Daughtry song. One is awesome and the other is pretty much the next Creed with songs that all sound the same. SportsCenter LA is like that douchebag friend that moves to LA only to become more a douchebag because he gets extremely enamored with culture, and believes that living there somehow makes him better than you.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Seth Rogen Gets Rejected by Megan Fox

On a Jimmy Kimmel appearance, Seth Rogen describes how Megan Fox rejected him when he previously met her on the Kimmel show. She always kind of seemed like a bitch so I guess this isn't all that surprising. Although since she not only gave Brian Austin Green the time of day but dated him, I don't really think she has the right to snub many people.

Does Anybody Really Love Rolos?

Sure, Rolos are a decent candy, but they're not anything special. I can't even remember the last time I bought or had Rolos. Ninety-nine percent of the time they taste like they have been sitting in the candy aisle for the last decade.

 For the first half of my life, I was convinced that Rolos were suppose to be stale and rock hard.  Then it recently occured to me, I don't think I've ever heard or seen a person say "Oh my god I love Rolos, they're my favorite candy," or "I really want some Rolos right now."

 It just doesn't happen. That's weird because you would think that there must be people in the world who enjoy them. If there weren't, why would Rolos continue to exist?

Of course, I can think of some good reasons that most people never proclaim their love for Rolos. After about four or five of them, it feels like you've had more than enough, and you either throw away the rest or try to pass them off to one of your friends.

 If you're foolish enough to eat the whole package, the awful feeling in your stomach confirms that it was definitely a mistake.

Apparently, a popular slogan Rolo once used was "Do you love anybody enough to give them your last Rolo?" But it seems if you do feel that way then you better be prepared for a sad and lonely existence because nobody wants your stupid Rolo.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

US Soccer playing Mexico at 4 est/1 pst

If you have any interest in soccer, don't forget that the US Men's team is playing Mexico in a World Cup qualifer at Mexico's infamous Estadio Azteca at 4 est/1 pst. The US have never won at the Azteca as they are 0-22-1 in 23 games there. It's difficult for any visiting team to salvage a victory because of the unique combination of the alttiude, large crowd and smog filled air that the stadium presents.

The game is being broadcast on Telemundo so prepare yourself for some "Goooooooooooaaaaaaaal" and "No, Nanononono" calls when a goal is scored.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Last Dragon

As I said before, not all Blackbusters are bad. Some of them are awesome such as the 80s classic "The Last Dragon." I've probably seen this movie way too many times to count, and it's still entertaining every time. For several reasons "The Last Dragon" is an obvious Blackbuster:

1. It was produced by Motown's Berry Gordy and any produced by him is a Blackbuster.
2. Anytime I've mentioned this movie to any of my non black friends they have no clue what I'm talking about.

It features actor Taimak as main character Leroy and actress Vanity, Prince's protege, as music video host Laura Charles, Leroy's love interest. Also, there are some surprisingly notable actors in smaller roles like Keisha Knight Pulliam (Rudy from the Cosby Show), Chazz Palminteri, and William H. Macy.

In the movie, Leroy, a black teenage martial arts student living in New York City, desires to be like his idol Bruce Lee and sets out to reach the highest level of martial arts accomplishment known as "The Last Dragon." When one reaches this level, he then possess a mystical energy called "the glow." While on the way to achieving this goal, he encounters a crooked arcade mogul (evil white guy) who kidnaps his girlfriend, and must battle an evil martial arts master named Sho'nuff, the Shogun of Harlem.

But words alone can not do this justice so check out the trailer posted above. It has several attributes that make it a great movie including: black people doing martial arts, one of the best character names ever "Sho'nuff" (origin of my name), cheesy 80s special effects of glowing and an epic last fight scene (skip ahead to the 4:35 mark) with an extremely catchy song also called "The Last Dragon." Not to mention it makes you yell "who's da mastah?" after viewing it.

Recently, Columbia Pictures has decided to produce a remake of the movie with Wu Tang's RZA as a producer and Samuel L. Jackson as Sho'nuff. Rhianna has also been mentioned for the role of Laura Charles. All this might make Taimak (the star of the original "The Last Dragon") happy because he has apparently written a script for a sequel that he's still trying to get made.

Do yourself a favor and see the original film first.

Blackbuster Movies

(Picture from BET website)

That's not a typo; I really did mean Blackbuster instead of blockbuster. The cable network BET often uses it to describe the movies it shows on certain nights. But the real question is, what exactly defines a movie as a Blackbuster?  Like any movie, they can be really good or really bad. Here are a few general guidelines you can use to determine if a movie is one:

1. Generally a movie embraced by the black community that white people don't understand, get or have even heard of. It's like white people's love of the film Caddyshack.  There aren't any minorities besides maybe Tiger Woods who can figure out why it's suppose to be so hilarious and great.  White people golf everyday; that's not funny, it's a fact.  Did you think the Blackbuster "Who's Your Caddy" looked or sounded funny. That's what "Caddyshack" is to minorities. Although to be fair, I don't think anybody could really enjoy "Who's Your Caddy."

2. Unlike most movies, the ratio of black actors to white ones is much higher. At the very least it's two to one in favor of black people, probably higher.   In this world it turns out that more than one black person exists in New York City.  Contrary to what the TV show "Friends" thought, you probably can't go eight years in New York without seeing a black person.  Instead of the random black friend that shows up, it's the random white friend.  Although there can be exceptions to this rule, such as when it's fewer black characters trying to make it in a white man's world or take down a bunch of evil or unjust white characters.

3. Any movie with Bill Bellemy, Vivca A. Fox, Nia Long, Martin Lawrence, or Mike Epps is probably a Blackbuster.  Other common indicators are the appearance of Morris Chestnut and Taye Diggs.  These people are in the Blackbuster hall of fame because it's hard to find many made without them. Now for some of these actors like Chestnut and Diggs, it's not entirely their fault because Hollywood likes reusing the same six actors for every black role, but others like Bellemy, Fox, Lawrence (exception Bad Boy movies), and Epps are responsible for movies that may have set back the black community several years. Of course some Spike Lee films, like Crooklyn or any Tyler Perry film can be considered blackbusters.  Actually, I think Perry movies might be the best equivalent to white people's fascination with "Caddyshack."   Don't even ask me why they're suppose to be so good because I don't get the big deal about his films either.

4. Any movie starring a rapper. Apparently it's a natural progression from rapping to acting except it turns out expanding one's grasp of the English language beyond adding the n word to every sentence can be more difficult than originally thought.  Clearly, we are still waiting for Ja Rule and DMX to win the Oscars they so sorely deserve.

There you have it. If you encounter one or more of these things, you may indeed be watching a Blackbuster.  So the next time you're watching "Big Mamma's House" or "I Got the Hook Up," you can proudly tell your friends why it's a Blackbuster movie.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Mascot Gave Him What's For

Apparently mascots in Australia don't mess around. A rugby mascot took care of a fan that jumped out of the stands and attacked him. It's safe to say that mascots there aren't like US mascots that usually consist of some flamboyant guy doing gymnastics. That eagle could definitely take down the Notre Dame one in a fight.

Worst Criminal Ever

This has to be one of the most ridiculous commercials I have ever seen. What type of criminal would actually do this? I'm sure he really sat home planning this master scheme out and saying to himself, "you know what, I'm gonna stand outside the fence in broad daylight and watch the mother and daughter play soccer for an hour then wait until they go inside to bust open the door as loudly as I can." Better yet why not dress up like it's winter and look as sketchy as he can even though it's clearly summer. The neighbors probably saw him there too, but that seems like a neighborhood with a strict "no snitching " policy.

I can't really blame the mother for setting the alarm for lunch because I'd set it too just to make sure nobody stole my fruit rollups when I wasn't looking.