Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Caveman Games

As one of my friends accurately put it "the best/worst game."  The Nintendo game focused on caveman competing in a series of athletic events that mimicked Olympic style events, but with the challenges of their prehistoric environment.

The game play and controls for this game were terrible.   The developers neglected to acknowledge that they made this game over-complicated for a system that only has a two-button controller.  The only thing that's more complicated and makes less sense is the TV show "Heroes."

Not to mention, the game doesn't come with any instructions for  game play despite the $50 that game probably cost.  It's like they want you to go crazy trying to figure it out.

The game consisted of six events: Dino Race, Dino Vault, Clubbing Fire Starting, Mate Toss, and Saber Race.  The Mate Toss was the best event by far while Clubbing and Fire Starting were decent, and the other three events were just awful.

Here's a breakdown of the events:

The Mate Toss
 An event similar to the hammer throw where a caveman would toss his wife as far as he could through the air. At first it was kind of hard to get down because you had to rotate the directional pad to get speed then get just the right angle on your throw for optimum distance, but eventually you would figure it out.

Prehistoric Domestic Violence

Although in retrospect, it seemed to encourage kids to take pleasure in the act of domestic violence.  Some of those kids (mainly the stupid ones who take cues from video games) probably carried this thought over to their adult life.  I bet Tiger's wife played this game because it sounds like what she did to him once she found out he has as many mistress as an NBA player.

Sorry Eurotrash people I don't mean that kind of clubbing so there's no techno music here.  Instead it was two caveman hitting each other with a club.  It was fun, but got boring after awhile.  Wow, Tiger's wife must have really played this game because this also sounds like something she did.

As The Prodigy once said "You are the firestarter" (Don't take that as an endorsement The Prodigy).  You rub sticks together and blow on smoke to get a fire going.  The first one to do this wins.

This is entertaining until you've almost got a fire started and the person you're competing with hits you which causes you to have to start again.  The hitting goes back and forth and eventually this game seems to last forever.
Saber Race
You mash a lot of buttons while trying to out run your competitor and a saber tooth tiger.  Plain and simple it's a shitty game.

Dino Vault and Dino Race

I put these two together not only because they both involve dinosaurs, but I also could never figure out how to do them correctly.  If I ever find the guy who created these games and how to play them,  I'll punch him in the face for wasting hours of my life.

The Dino Vault was exactly like the pole vault except it's cavemen trying to jump over a t-rex.   It was almost impossible to mash the buttons quickly enough to get the necessary speed and plant the stick in the right place for the vault.  I'm fairly certain I still couldn't do this now.

The Dino Race is the bane of my existence 

The Dino Race is by far the worst event in the game.  It doesn't make any sense at all.  You're  caveman riding a dinosaur who you're suppose to run and jump through a course.  I'd pound all the buttons and my stupid dinosaur would just stand there.  I'm getting angry now just thinking about it.  Whoever figures this game out deserves a Nobel Prize because chances are someone will figure out cold fusion before anyone discovers how to play the Dino Race.     

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