Friday, March 4, 2011

Reasons Why Movies That Were Good as Kid are Not as Good as an Adult

As I previously highlighted with "Blank Check," movies that seemed good as kid doesn't always hold up to an adult's judgement.

It shouldn't be surprising since an adult's eye is more critical, but it's still jarring to realize these movies are actually awful.

You may want to avoid the ugly truth about the quality of a beloved childhood movie so before you watch it, consider these six reasons why movies don't hold up an an adult:

6. Nudity

More so with boys than girls because a 12-year-old boy will think anything with full frontal nudity constitutes a good movie.  There doesn't even need to be a plot.  For example,  I'm sure there's a kid out there now who believes the direct to DVD movie  "American Pie: The Naked Mile " was a great movie for that very fact.  Assuming he's not a complete idiot, he' ll get older and realize like the rest of us that it's a beyond terrible movie.

5. Unrealistic Portrayal of Sports

Once you notice how fictional and inaccurate sports scenes are in a movie, it's really hard to ignore.  

But the second and third Mighty Ducks movies may be the worst offenders.  Just thinking about the absurd nature of these movies upsets me. 

 In "Mighty Ducks 2," coach Gordon Bombay selects most of his subpar old Ducks team without even holding try-outs for a national hockey team that should consist of the nation's best players.

He even takes Goldberg who is still a shitty goalie and some kid that doesn't know how to stop on skates.  

Then they're just allowed to randomly add a street hockey player to the roster midway through the tournament who has an unrealistic shot called the knucklepuck that takes about 10 minutes to execute.  Don't even get me started on "The Flying V" or changing uniforms midway through a game.

4. Bad Special Effects

As a kid you don't really notice bad special effects, but as an adult you can't really miss it.  For some reason, I can only think of "Howard the Duck" even though it's never been mistaken it for a good movie by anyone.   It's probably because that duck suit is so bad.  It looks like a sports mascot.  How did I not notice that before?

3. Anything with Pauly Shore

Of course, Pauly Shore making crazy sounds and talking gibberish would appeal to kids because they don't have a very sophisticated sense of humor.  It was like watching stupid pet tricks.

Remember how hilarious you thought "Son In Law" and "Jury Duty" were?    Not so much anymore.  Shore saying he's the weasel along with various surfer speak and outdated slang over and over again is just annoying, not funny.

2. Movies Made to Sell Merchandise / Fads

This one makes a ton of sense because movies such as these are founded on how impressionable kids are.  They don't care or realize that it's all a ploy to make them buy merchandise.  Once you get older though, you see through all bullshit  and recognize it was essentially a 90 minute advertisement.

I'm looking at you "Power Rangers," "Mortal Kombat," "Pokemon," and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze."   The "Secret of the Ooze" soundtrack featuring Vanilla Ice's "Ninja Rap" sitting somewhere in my parents' house proves that I once fell for this movie ploy.

1.  Ridiculous Plot

A plot so stupid only a naive kid could only entertain it.  Again, I refer you back to "Blank Check."

If you need another example, I give you "Rookie of the Year."  Not only does it have a ridiculous plot, but it double dips with an unrealistic portrayal of sports.

I know some people may disagree with me because they love that movie.  I have this to say to them.  First, the phase "funky butt loving"won't be nearly as funny as you once thought it was.

Second, watch this trailer.  If you can honestly say that still looks like movie you'd want to see, then I'm seriously questioning your judgement.

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