Friday, December 7, 2012

Has Jessica Biel Ever Been in a Good Movie?

Yes, Jessica Biel has appeared in a lot of movies, but it's deceiving because a lot of them were not good.  She like's the human bat signal for a bad movie.

In fact, I can not think of a single good movie she was in off the top of my head.

A look at her Rotten Tomatoes page validates her poor movie track record.  Nineteen of the 25 movies she has been in are rotten and under 50%.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Marina and the Diamonds - How to be a Heartbreaker

Considering the recent breakthrough of UK popstars Ellie Goulding and Cher Lloyd in the U.S.,  it wouldn't be surprisingly to see the UK based Marina and the Diamonds follow suit.

She shares a similar brand of electro pop and has songs such as "How to be a Heartbreaker" produced by Katie Perry hitmaker Dr. Luke.

In addition, her U.S. label is pushing really hard to make it happen.  If you haven't it realized yet, most pop music achieves success through labels pushing an artist and song enough that the public succumbs to Stockholm Syndrome.

Marina's label even delayed releasing the "How to be a Heartbreaker" video because allegedly they thought she looked too ugly and needed to touch the video up.  You can judge for yourself.

But based on this video, I'd say rule number one should be don't hang out in a Roman bath house with a bunch of guys who appear more concerned with breaking each other's hearts than hers.

And rule number two should be don't court sketchy shirtless vagabonds leaning against cars because that's how to become an STD carrier.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Teen Mom's Farrah Made an Awful Song

Just when you thought Farrah from MTV's "Teen Mom" could not get any worse,  she made a terrible song called "On My Own."

Well song is a relative term as it's mostly her using auto-tune and a dubstep beat to complain about how hard her life can be.

This song is so awful that it literally caused a dog to wake up and look alarmed like there was a threat to his safety.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Film and TV Promo Songs of Fall 2012

Every Fall there seems to be a couple of songs that studios and TV networks use to promote their new films and fall schedules.  Last year it was that Hello song that they played as much as possible.

This year the songs being used are Imagine Dragons "It's Time," The Lumineers "Hey Ho," and "Phillip Phillips "Home."

I can only imagine a guy named Phillip Phillips must live at 123 Fake Street as well.  Not to mention, "Hey Ho"seems more likely to be a title of a rap song than what it actually is.

"It's Time" has been paired with every "The Perks of Being a Wallflower"  trailer,  "Ho Hey" has shown up in numerous TV and film promos including the Silver Linings Playbook trailer, and of course "Home" became ubiquitous as the theme for the U.S. women's gymnastic team during the London Olympics.

It's not surprising that these are the three songs because they have more common than just being from artists or bands with bizarre names.

Studios and TV networks might realize that they all contain the formula for evoking sentiments in promos.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Sesame Street Parody: Birdwalk Empire

"Sesame Street' keeps making great TV show parodies. This time they have spoofed "Boardwalk Empire" with their own "Birdwalk Empire."

They've cleverly replaced Steve Buscemi's Nucky character with a duck called Nucky "Ducky" Thompson and Lucky Luciano with a chicken called Clucky Luciano.

Tensions rise on the Birdwalk as the ducks and chicken realize that you can't be half a gangster... err I mean bird.

There's no replacement for the grating Margret Schroeder character, but I'd imagine she'd be an annoying pigeon.

If this was a real Birdwalk though, there would be a lot more bird droppings and seagulls eyeing food.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Saxophone Riff of the Week: Hall and Oates "Maneater"

It's already been established on this blog that I have what some would call an unnatural preoccupation with the use of saxophones in songs.  Like here, here, and here.

I'd argue it's more of a fine appreciation of a good or random saxophone riff.  You don't realize how much the saxophone shows up in songs until you start paying attention to it.

With that in mind, I present a new feature: Saxophone Riff of the Week.

There's really not a better place to start than with the Hall and Oates 80s classic "Maneater."  As hard as it may be, I'm going to ignore the ridiculousness of this video with its seemingly random cheesy jaguar cuts and overlays.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Old Spice Muscle Music Interactive Ad

In Old Spice's new "Muscle Music" ad, Terry Crews proves millions of teachers and parents wrong by showing that your body can be a musical instrument or at least his can be one.

He pops and flexes his muscles to create music as each muscle triggers an instrument that's attached to it.  After the video, you can create your own muscle composition by pressing various keyboard keys.

This video really has everything you need for great entertainment: Crews signature flexing, Crews screaming nonsense, and music.

As if I wasn't convinced enough,  it really sold with me with the flame sax.  It's nearly impossible to resist a cheesy sax never mind a flame one.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Dog Shaming Tumblr is Pretty Great

Dogs probably do not understand the concept of being publicly shamed, but that doesn't make a tumblr called Dogshaming any less amusing.

Dog owners post pictures of their dogs with a note explaining the bad behavior of the dog such as pooping in a hat or chewing on old tampons.

Some of the dogs actually do look shameful or remorseful while others just don't care.  If anything it just proves "Animals are not like people.  Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life or have been mistreated.  But like people some of them are just jerks."

Friday, August 17, 2012

Hey Man That's Spandau Ballet Chevy Commercial

Chevrolet's commercial for its 2012 Malibu Eco is awful.  It certainly didn't help matters that it played during every Olympics commercial break.

Listening to a bunch of tone deaf people sing doesn't make me want to buy a car.  It just makes me hate those people.

If I wanted to hear middle-aged yuppies sing off key,  I'd go to a dueling piano bar.

Friday, August 10, 2012

James Bond Playing Video Game in Never Say Never Again

Leave it to an 80s Bond film, 1983's "Never Say Never Again" to feature James Bond trying to settle matters by playing a video game.

There's nothing quite like watching a highly trained government agent ignore all his skills to participate in a video game competition.  A 52-year-old Sean Connery must have been thrilled with that scene. 

If this scene were true to life,  both of those guys would constantly be looking down at the game controls and complaining that the game didn't make sense while accidentally shooting at themselves.  

Friday, August 3, 2012

Thoughts About London 2012 Summer Olympics

1.  Every four years pedophiles and the general public enjoy the same thing: women's gymnastics 

It's during this brief time period that it's seemingly okay to take a vested interest in the activities of half dressed teenage girls and follow as well as analyze their every move.  It's like Halloween for pedophiles as they don't stick out as much as they normally would.  Remember, during the Olympics this is called Olympic spirit, but anytime afterwards it's just creepy.

2.  Constipated gymnastic announcers

Gymnastics and commenters who sound like they're straining themselves on the toilet go hand and hand.   They say things such as "Oh that hurts. It's gonna be a half point deduction for breathing.  She's really had trouble with that."  These people really need some Metamucil.  Of course, the straining might be better than the audio orgy that happens after a good performance.  It features so many yells of "yes, yes" that I'm not quite sure what I'm watching anymore.

3.  Enough with the Chariots of Fire theme song

They play the Chariots of Fire theme song after every medal presentation and it's getting tiresome.  I hate to break it to Great Britain, but the rest of us don't think the song is still as epic and great as you do.  I mean maybe people did in 1981 when "Chariots of Fire" was released, but the rest of us have moved on so you should too.  Although I guess if my nation wasn't very good at the Olympics anymore and all I had to hold on to was a triumph in 1924 that was made into an Oscar winning movie,  I'd grasp at straws too.  

4. Australia keeps naming their swimmers after weapons 

Before there was Australian swimmer Ian Thrope nicknamed "The Thorpedo" and now there's swimmer James "The Missile"  Magnussen.  Considering Australia almost never performs as well as they're supposed to at the Olympics, maybe they should spend less time making up nicknames like they're the Ismail brothers of swimming.   In fact that should be a lesson, if you keep naming yourself things like rocket, missile, and bomb like the Ismail brothers then you're bound to never live up to the lofty expectations.

5.  Another frighting Olympic Mascot

London Olympic mascots Wenlock and Mandeville will be in children's nightmares for years to come.  If the plan was to terrify children into watching the Olympics then they have succeeded.  Nothing says Olympics like a mascots with a giant eye for a face so they always knows if you're watching or not.  They look like  bad guys on a "Doctor Who" episode who have come to earth under the guise of the Olympic games but really want to enslave us.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Haim - "Forever"

Haim's catchy song "Forever" has been stuck in my head for weeks.

The group consisting of three sisters from Los Angeles brings an interesting sound that combines folk with 90s R&B.

It's an odd combination yet somehow it works.  Not to mention, I'm a sucker for anything involving 90s R&B because it's a dying breed of great music.

Haim's three song EP Forever is definitely worth checking out, and they just did a cover of Fleetwood Mac's "Hold Me."

Friday, July 13, 2012

The Flys - "Got You Where I Want You," Disturbing Behavior and Katie Holmes Divorce

The Flys "Got You Where I Want You" seems appropriate in light of the whole Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise divorce.

Holmes starred in the music video because it was off the soundtrack to the movie "Disturbing Behavior" that she was also in.  Both the song and movie are a little bit of eerie pop culture foreshadowing for Holmes.

Cruise got Holmes where he wanted her as his wife before she decided to divorce him.

I'd like to think that one day she was listening to "Got You Where I Want You" and the opening lyrics of "what's the point of this" inspired her to take action,  but that's probably not what happened.

The "Disturbing Behavior" connection is really interesting though.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Justin Bieber "Boyfriend" Music Video Breakdown: He Wouldn't Make a Very Good Boyfriend

I've been avoiding this Justin Bieber "Boyfriend" music video for awhile, but since it's a significant pop culture subject I have to deal with it.

Based on this video I'm not really sure why any girl would want to be Bieber's girlfriend.  Let's start with the beginning of the video where Bieber is rubbing up on this girl.

Considering he's not actually her girlfriend yet,  I think that's just called sexual harassment.  Whispering "if I was your boyfriend" and "swag" doesn't magically make it okay.

Maybe that's why Bieber is trying to bribe her into silence with the money in his hand he'd really like to blow.  It's that or he really has a thing for high-class call girls.

The rest of the video doesn't paint a great picture of being Bieber's girlfriend either.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Thoughts About Euro 2012 So Far

We're through the first two rounds of Euro 2012 and into the semi-finals so these are my thoughts so far.

1. Michael Ballack is the German Matt Damon 

I'm not the first person to ever recognize this resemblance, but it's crazy how much former German national team player Michael Ballack looks like Damon.  It really stands out now that you see him dressed up for his ESPN studio work during Euro 2012.

It's like the Treadstone program from the "Bourne Identity" is real and it produced a German clone of Damon.  I wonder if Ballack has a best friend that's the German Affleck who nobody likes quite as much as Ballack.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Wreck-It Ralph Playable Arcade Game

If you haven't seen the trailer for Disney cool looking new film "Wreck-It Ralph," then you're missing out.  Watch it here.

It's plot revolves around Wreck-It Ralph, a title character in a Donkey Kong like video game called "Fix-It Felix" who's sick of his role as the game's villain.

It's a long wait until the film's release on November 2nd so Disney's released a playable version of "Fix-It Felix" online.  

I almost regret being tipped off to this by the [middleaisle] tumbir because even though it's very simplistic, it's addicting.  

It's a game deliberately designed to waste your time as it's so easy to play, but has so many levels.  It's kind of like the video game equivalent of watching a VH1 reality show then realizing you wasted an hour of your life doing that.

Of course, that's why I'm sharing it with you.  If I'm going down this black hole of time wasting, then other people are coming with me.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Jimmy Fallon and The Roots Perform "Call Me Maybe" with Carly Rae Jepsen

There have been endless covers of Carly Rae Jepsen's hit song "Call Me Maybe," but this has to be the best one because it involves actual talent.

During Jepsen's appearance on "Late Night," Jimmy Fallon and The Roots joined Jepsen backstage to perform a fun version of the song with classroom instruments such as a wood block, xylophone, kazoo, and an instrument that looks alarmingly like a wood penis.

The Roots remind us that they have more talent on basic classroom instruments than most people will ever have on real instruments.

Essentially, The Roots have just served the whole internet by making the hundreds of "Call Me Maybe" cover version with limited choreography and lip-syncing seem silly in comparison.

Hopefully this will make more people realize:

Hey, I just met you,
and this is crazy,
but enough with,
the cover videos maybe?

Friday, June 1, 2012

Stubhub Ticket Oak is Creepy

There's something really unsettling about the Ticket Oak in the Stubhub commercial.  Maybe it's the googly eyes or the strange expression on its face, but I don't trust it.

It seems a little too convenient that a magical ticket tree would just appear in your backyard one day.

I wouldn't let children anywhere near the Ticket Oak because it looks like it would somehow molest them.  I swear it's the sinister version of the Giving Tree.

And what kind of tree has teeth?  The only reason it would need teeth would be to eat you or children.

If you accept tickets from that tree, I bet the price is your soul.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Playing With the Boys Music Video Breakdown

Most people know Kenny Loggins 1986 song "Playing With the Boys" from in the famous "Top Gun" volleyball scene, but it also has an official music video that affirms that homoerotic undertones and volleyball should always be associated with the song.

Loggins must have been on some bizarre personal mission to make it the official anthem of volleyball because clearly that was the only thing holding volleyball back from becoming America's fifth major sport.

Or he's part of some volleyball secret society that controls the world.  Who makes sure people like volleyball?  We do! We do!

Within the first 10 seconds of this video, I'm already confused.  I'm sure people did some crazy things in the 80s, but I doubt a group of people breaking into a high school gym to play volleyball was one of them.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Bacardi 50s Party Commercial

This Bacardi commercial set at a 50s party drives me insane.  It's played during every commercial break of the NBA playoffs .

I couldn't figure out why it bothers me so much until I realized it's because it doesn't make sense.  The commercial is historically inaccurate.

It's funny how history is reimagined in commercials.  This party is supposed to be set in 1957 yet it features people dancing to 30s type swing music.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Jon Hamm Answers Questions From Teenage Girls

When teenage girls are down and troubled and need a helping hand, modern renaissance man Jon Hamm will give them advice.   He answered five questions from teenage girls as part of Rookie magazine's web series "Ask A Grown Man."

He humorously answers pressing questions such as "Is it gross to fart in front of your significant other?"  Hamm advises that everybody farts so it's not a big deal.

If there's a whole generation of shameless farters, we know where it started.

We also learn that Hamm's not a fan of someone claiming to be "16ish" as he believes you're either 16 or you're not. 

He signs off by telling them to go watch "The Hunger Games" since they're probably too young to watch "Mad Men."

Hamm proves there's at least one 41-year-old stranger with a webcam and scruffy beard that parents would let their teenage daughters communicate with online.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Perfect Strangers Video Game

Prepare to spend way too much time playing the "Perfect Strangers" video game based on the 80s/90s TV show.  Video game designer Jason Oda,  the same guy who made the Emo game, created it.

Playable at,  it's basically a dramatic interpretation of the show's catchy theme song "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" as Balki departs from Mypos and must catch as many stars as he can to achieve his/your dream.

It's kind of crazy, but you'd be surprised how addicting and inspirational the game actually is.

For that brief moment, you believe that if Balki can achieve his dream then you can.

Until you realize that Balki would never make it to America today because he'd be detained at customs due to his quirky behavior.

That would definitely stop him now and for several months during which he would become bitter and anti-American.

The website for the game was down yesterday, but now it's back up.  That day was a dark time because I lacked the ability to be "standing tall on my the wings of my dreams."

Friday, April 27, 2012

Kid N Play Dance

The dance made famous by rappers Kid 'N Play and nicknamed the "the Funky Charleston"  never loses its appeal.  In fact it puts the original Charleston to shame.

People are forever trying to recreate this scene from "House Party."  For instance,  Lebron James in this State Farm commercial.

I'm sure one of the big reasons James signed with the Miami Heat was so he and Wade could be the new age Kid 'N Play.

Friday, April 13, 2012

The Better Blues Traveler Song: Run-Around or Hook

I think it's safe to assume that most people only know two Blues Traveler songs "Run Around" and "Hook."  They were pretty much two-hit wonders.

If you know more than those two songs, congratulations.  You were either a real fan or someone who bought the Blues Traveler album Four in a fit of passion during the 90s

I'm sure it's sitting right next to your Chumbawamba and Tonic CDs.

On the surface, "Run Around" seems to be the better song since it appeared higher on the Billboard Top 40 chart and it's Blues Traveler's' signature song.

Not to mention, the rapid fire pace of the song is pretty catchy.  But more often than not, people have told me that they prefer "Hook."

Friday, April 6, 2012

Betty Francis and Bugles

I hate to say I told you so, but Betty Francis eating Bugles on this week's "Mad Men" just proves my point about the lameness of Bugles.

If Betty is the face for liking your product, then you're in trouble.  Many people consider her the worst character on "Mad Men" and despise her.

Bugles took away the one thing she always had going for her: looks.  There's no doubt that excessive Bugle consumption played a part in making Betty fat.

Friday, March 30, 2012

The Hunger Games is a Ripoff of The Condemned

I bet you haven't heard that one yet.  Probably thought I was going to say "Battle Royale" like everybody else.

But obviously, "The Hunger Games" is inspired by the 2007 classic "The Condemned."

Friday, March 23, 2012

This Charming Man 8-bit Version

It should be a fact by now that making things 8-bit is awesome.

That's why it's not surprising an 8-bit cover of the Smith's "This Charming Man" combined with sound effects from "Super Mario Bros." called "Super Morrissey Bros." is so enjoyable.

Although if anybody's indie, I think it's Luigi not Mario.  Luigi just always had to do his fancy leg-kicking jumps in "Super Mario Bros. 2" and make me fall off the platform.

Friday, March 16, 2012

March Madness 2012: Pop Culture Thoughts

It's been a day and a half of the March Madness 2012 and here's what I've learned so far:

1. The longest anybody has ever driven for Doritos flavored diarrhea is 965 miles

Taco Bell wants to make sure we don't forget this by playing their new Doritos Locos Tacos commercial on a loop.  

It's convenient that they don't mention the trip back home where everybody immediately regrets eating that taco, curses this Nat Christiana guy, and realizes it's 965 miles until they get home.  

Friday, March 2, 2012

Clarissa and the Straightjackets - This is What NaNa Means

Clarissa can't explain this album.  In 1994, someone got the bright idea that Clarissa from "Clarissa Explains It All"  should have her own band named the Straightjackets and release a seven track album.

Not just any album though, one centered around Clarissa's horrible interpretation of 90s rock.

I should have stopped listened after the first track, although I'm ashamed to admit that I actually listened to all 35 minutes and 26 seconds of this CD.

It's like a car crash because it was so bad, but I couldn't turn away.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Denzel Washington: The Only Angry Black Man America Likes

With the box office success of "Safe House," Denzel Washington has cemented his place as the only angry black man America likes.

Just think for a minute how many movies centered around an angry black man violently taking matters into his own hands were actually successful at the box office.  Yeah, not many.

It's about as common as finding someone who actually watches "NCIS" or eats Good & Plenty.

But Washington movies such as "Man on Fire," "American Gangster," and "Training Day" were.  

Mainstream America paid good money to see these films in the theater.  It's not like they just watched them on TV.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Fleet Foxes Sing

If you ever find yourself thinking, this song would sound a lot better if the Fleet Foxes were singing it then you're in luck.

Fleet Foxes Sing blog takes popular songs and covers them in the style of the Fleet Foxes.

It's not actually the Fleet Foxes covering these songs, but it sounds so much like them that the group had to assure people it wasn't.

Instead it's the work of a New York-based music technology worker who The Guardian interviewed recently.

Regardless, it's amusing to hear upbeat pop songs such as Katy Perry's "Firework," Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance Somebody," and Katrina and the Waves "I'm Walking on Sunshine" transformed into depressing songs.

My favorite cover has to be Rick Astley's "Never Going to Give You Up" as the Fleet Foxes version makes it sound like the ultimate creepy stalker song penned by someone who's mentally unstable instead of a harmless pop song.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Does Anybody Like Bugles?

Bugles are another one of those food products that makes me wonder why they still exist and who eats them.  They're the Rolos of snack food.

Allegedly there are people that like them, but I've never met one.  Even a friend who puts them out at his annual party says that he gets them more out of family tradition than actually enjoying them.

Judging by how full they usually stay, I don't think other people have a strong affinity for them either.

Bugles are like the Switzerland of snack food because they're neutral .  Nobody really says, "I love Bugles" or "I really hate Bugles." Instead most people agree they're just okay.

Friday, January 27, 2012

The 56 best/worst analogies

Kind of late to the game on this one but here are the 56 best/worst analogies via the House of Figs blog.  

Originally it was believed that the analogies came from a high school kids although they're actually from a Washington Post bad analogy contest.  Either way they're quite amusing.

Some of the bests ones are:

8.  He was lame as a duck.  Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

33.  The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

48.  I felt a nameless dread.  Well, there's probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something but I don't speak German.  Anyway,  it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags.  I don't know the name for those either.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Roller Coaster Scene From Fear

The movie "Fear" is an interesting subject in its own right, but the rollercoaster scene certainly qualifies as one of its most memorable scenes.

I had forgotten about it until a friend referenced it last week.  

The scene is great for so many reasons, although none of those reasons include its original intent to be a special moment.  The scene's so cheesy that it's full of unintentional comedy.

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Lost Art of TV Intros

Today's TV intros are so truncated that that there's almost no point to having them.  They don't really  introduce the cast, and the theme songs aren't memorable.

It's like the shows are saying just go to IMDB to look up who's on the show if you really care that much because we don't want to waste the time.

The opening of "Mad Men" may be an exception as many people would argue that's the most exciting part of the show (I wouldn't).

Most likely this is because shows need to squeeze in as much ad time and story into the half hour or hour, but it makes me long for old TV intros of the 80s and 90s.