Friday, July 25, 2014

The Songs of the Billboard Top 10 in Their Simplest Meaning

Music is full of metaphors and florid language, but sometimes it's just nice to get straight to the point. In that spirit,  let's take a look at the current Billboard top 10 and break them down to their simplest meaning.

1.  Magic - Rude

Simplest Meaning: "I just want to bang your daughter so stop being a dick about it"

I can't stress how much I hate this song.  It's rude to my ears and I don't blame the father for wanting to keep this guy away from his daughter.  I wouldn't want a canadian playing reggae guy anywhere near my daughter either.

2.  Izzy Azalea - Fancy 

Simplest Meaning:  I'm gonna boast about how great I am until I trick you into believing it's true

Izzy Azalea is a cheap imitation Da Brat, and she will not be holding anyone down by giving them lessons in physics.

3. Sam Smith - Stay With Me

Simplest Meaning:  I'm so very lonely, please don't leave me.  I'm begging you not to.

If Sam Smith tries saying that without singing it, I bet he gets a very different response from women.

4. Ariana Grande featuring Iggy Azalea - Problems 

Simplest Meaning:  You're a huge douchebag and I just realized I shouldn't my waste my time on you.

This song gets bonus points for its heavy sax use and new jack swing feel.

5. Nico and Vinz - Am I Wrong

Simplest Meaning:  Hey people seem to like vaguely reggae pop songs so this will probably work, right?

Just another generic kind of reggae with just enough pop song off the assembly line.

6.  John Legend -  All of Me

Simplest Meaning:  I'm gonna remind you how beautiful and perfect you are and this should result in sex.

John Legend dates a model so this method seems to be working for him just fine.

7.  Maroon 5 - Maps  

Simplest Meaning:  Maroon 5 members not named Adam Levine need more money

Other Maroon 5 band members:  "Uh, Adam our bank accounts are getting pretty low.  Can we put out a new song?  Adam Levine: "Okay, I have this one generic song I was saving." It sounds like Adam Levine didn't spend more than an hour on the song.

8. Jason Derulo featuring Snoop Dogg - Wiggle 

Simplest Meaning:  I like your ass a lot and it's your best feature.

The only upshot to this song is that Derulo doesn't spend two minutes singing his name like he usually does.

9. Disclosure featuring Sam Smith - Latch 

Simplest Meaning:  It's not creepy if I set my clingy nature to an electro beat.

So far I'm getting the impression that nobody escapes Sam Smith once he has you in his grasp.  If you don't "stay"  then he'll just "latch on to you."

10.  Calvin Harris - Summer 

Simplest Meaning:  I'm gonna repeat the word summer over an electro beat during the summer so this should work.  Right?

Calvin Harris was not wrong with his theory.  Repeat summer enough during the summer and people will like your song even if it's not good.

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